Once again, we find ourselves amidst the time of year when people rededicate themselves to their relationships, profess their love, or otherwise engage in lovey-dovey slop.  

Well- I am SICK of it!  

So many holidays revolve around being “loved” and talking to people and stepping outside your house in order to go to someone else’s house so you can sit around and “give thanks” or some other garbage.  

Where are the holidays for people who only step outside once every week or hiss at people trying to start a conversation? I will tell you where: in the land of Make-Believe because they do not exist!  

Every single holiday requires people to care about you or for you to otherwise have any sort of relationship with other people.  

Valentine’s Day is the worst offender because it is essentially a day of “Oh, look at me! I am in a loving relationship that I worked really hard to maintain and have grown better as a person because of it. I am just so happy that I made an effort to have an earnest conversation with someone about my romantic feelings towards them”! 

I mean, come on, having  healthy conversations about attraction and romantic feelings? Gross! 

You may be thinking that I am writing this because I am sad and lonely and lonely and sad…well you are right so let us move on. Have you ever stopped to think about who REALLY benefits from all your Valentine’s Day purchases?  

Okay, yes, your actual Valentine but you know who ELSE benefits? That is right, Big Flower! 

Let me explain. According to my source, Shallow Esophagus, Valentine’s Day was created in order to coincide with the slow season of flower purchases.  

Think about it: it happens right after December and January, when flowers are often in short supply due to the winter weather. Normally, only well-adjusted or decent people would buy their significant other flowers without a specific holiday indicating that they should.  

That was not enough, however, so they conspired with Big Candy and Little Jewelry to create a holiday that emphasizes market engagement for their products.  

And like the sheeple we are, we fell right into their clutches.  

Here is what I propose: we replace Valentine’s Day with Sit in Silence and Think About the Consequences of Our Actions Day. We always spend so much time bumbling through life and talking to other people that we forget to punish ourselves for our indulgences.  

With my new proposed holiday, you can forget about having to buy your significant other flowers, candy, or jewelry and instead focus on all your personal faults and the times you made your mom cry.  

Does that not sound like fun? I cannot wait to bum everyone out with my daylong psychological self-flagellation.  

Will Padgett is an English graduate student. He can be reached at wpadgett14@gmail.com or 217-581-2812.