Have you ever been in a hospital waiting room completely devoid of any reading material and the only distraction you can find is the TV that seems to be perpetually playing one of those moronic “fixer-upper” shows?

I could excuse maybe one or two instances of this happening, but it genuinely seems like every hospital has some kind of deal with the cable companies to blast our eyes with the latest Property Brothers garbage.

Honestly, I’m unsure as to whether or not these shows even exist outside waiting rooms; those are the only places I’ve seen these shows play.

I don’t know a single person who watches them of their own volition because why would you?

You already live in a house, so why would you watch two schmucks renovate theirs for 40 trillion dollars that they somehow made by selling Bug Juice and snake oil? Is it entertaining? Maybe if you’re dying, and that’s probably why they play it in hospitals.

Now, I have no way of proving this, but I think that hospitals know these shows have negative effects on both your physical and mental health and thus play them in order to get as much money out of you as possible.

Think about it: If you’re feeling like crap and then watch something stupid, you’re bound to feel even worse.

You tell your doctor you’re feeling worse than you actually are and then suddenly you’re admitted to the hospital for your “out of control blood pressure” and the “worrying amount of blood you’re coughing up.”

Those things weren’t there before I watched some of that home improvement trash, so who’s to blame? Probably that Property Brother who’s dating Zooey Deschanel (and no, I’m not jealous, quit asking).

I don’t even think his last name is “Property”. Just another lie to the poor, ignorant masses.

What was I saying? Right, the shows! Really, the fact that all hospitals play them for seemingly no reason other than to crush our spirits seems to indicate, in my mind, that hospitals only want us to get better after they’ve bled us dry.

What’s the solution you ask? It’s simple: we get rid of hospitals. Who needs them, anyway? We should go back to the glory days of plague doctors wandering around injecting us with viscous black liquids in order to balance our humors.

Don’t you long for the days when you would simply get a splinter and keel over a week later because everything was just absolutely disgusting back then?

I know I do. An institution that charges you $4,000 dollars for having an emergency is a wacky concept, but what’s wackier is that they make those mega-bucks and choose to only show home improvement shows.

I’d take Jeopardy over those shows any day because then at least I can mutter the wrong answers under my breath and claim that the actual right answer was “my next guess”.

Will Padgett is once again asking you to stop reading his articles. The attention is going to his head. He can be reached at wpadgett14@gmail.com or 217-581-2812.