I’m not even kidding either; I genuinely feel that way. I know we all have a grand ol’ time hee-ing and haw-ing at all the wacky things I write in the paper but I could not be more serious about this one.

This doesn’t even strictly apply to EIU’s campus or Charleston, I mean anywhere, though I feel like the people in this area do it all the time.

I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve been driving and there have been people just, like, standing in the middle of the road in the turn lane.

What’s up with that?! Is waiting the couple minutes at the light to get to the side of the road you need to be on simply too hard? Would you rather just stand in the middle of the road and risk being ran over?

You may think, “oh, surely they won’t hit me, they’d see me before then”. If you think this way, you obviously haven’t lived here long.

You see, there are a great many Charleston drivers who seem to have as much spatial awareness as your average carrot and they will absolutely run you over and maybe stop after finishing the deed.

You know what would stop (or at least reduce the risk, because my faith in the drivers around here fades more and more every day) the average schmuck from running you over like a turtle on a dirt road?

That’s right: Using the crosswalk! Whoa! Isn’t that just such a radical, crazy idea?! It’s almost like they’re designed to tell drivers that you’re going to cross!

Not only that, but they increase your safety too; all you’ve gotta do is press the button and wait! Don’t like waiting? Well, maybe go back to kindergarten and brush up on your patience!

I remember this one time, I was driving at night and getting into the turn lane when, out of nowhere, I barely saw this guy standing in the middle of it, wearing all dark-colored clothing.

At night. I just barely braked in time to stop my car from launching this clown 20 yards down the road and he has the gall, the audacity to look at me like I’m the jerk!

I just really don’t get what’s so hard about using crosswalks; they’re literally all over town.

Yeah, they don’t lead directly to McDonald’s or whatever, but come on, you can walk one more block and wait maybe 2 minutes to cross safely.

It’s just as bad on campus as it is in town. I saw this other guy on campus just start walking across the street even though he was literally a foot away from the crosswalk. I hope he fails his finals this semester.

The crazy thing about my hatred for this is that I’m not a cop or narc or anything of the sort; I’m just a petty, curmudgeonly dude who can’t stand jaywalkers.

I don’t even really see jaywalking as a crime necessarily, it just seems lazy and annoying. I’m lazy myself but I at least have some class.

If you go out of your way to not use the crosswalks, I hope you know that there’s one person in this world who will just never like you.

I’m usually a pretty zen person but that’s, like, my biggest pet peeve. If I see you do it, you’ve made an enemy for life.

Will Padgett is actually 471 squirrels in a trenchcoat merely pretending to be a student so they can encourage students to feed the local wildlife. He can be reached at wpadgett14@gmail.com or 217-581-2812.