I was reading this joke article the other day on Reductress titled “Study Finds There Just Aren’t Enough Places to Buy Soft Pretzels” and, having read said article, I found myself completely agreeing.

How many places in the Charleston area actually sell soft pretzels? And no, I’m not talking about the Super Pretzel brand frozen ones you can just slap in the microwave.

I can barely tie my shoes, you think I know how to work a microwave? Grow up.

I’m talking about the “ready to eat, shove down your gullet” kind of soft pretzels. You know how many places sell those in town? Neither do I, I just know it’s not enough.

Deciding that I didn’t want to go through the effort of actually researching how many local establishments sold soft pretzels, I instead chose to completely fabricate an investigative process and try to pass it off to you poor schmucks as real research.

This research included consulting the Oracle of Delphi, the ghost of Ambrose Roth, and my roommate Trevor. Combined, these three expert testimonies allowed me to come to the conclusion that there will never be enough establishments to satisfy the needs of the masses.

In reality, we are actually facing a soft pretzel famine the likes of which hasn’t been seen since 1849.

What is to be done about this coming apocalypse, you ask? Well, my experts and I have come to the conclusion that it must somehow be the government’s fault for not allocating proper funding and resources to distributing these delicious baked goods.

I have started the process of bringing forth a new amendment to the Constitution that will add “…and access to soft pretzels” to the “life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness” bit that’s lodged in there somewhere.

This amendment has already passed through the Senate and is currently awaiting approval by the House of Representatives.

In addition to this amendment, I have also brought to the floor legislation that would require American citizens to actively enjoy soft pretzels. Not doing so would result in a minimum sentence of life without parole and bail set at $1,000,000,000,000,000,000.

Harsh? Not in the slightest, really this law is to your benefit.

Not enjoying soft pretzels is actually, interestingly enough, one of the few cardinal sins of every single religion. Look it up! Go to Google and type in “Is not enjoying soft pretzels a sin in every religion?”.

You’ll be shocked to see that I’m right (as always, so maybe not that shocked). If you or someone you love is a known Soft Pretzel Dissenter (SPD for short), you should immediately report yourself to the FBI.

Just tell the person you reach on the phone that you don’t enjoy soft pretzels and they’ll immediately send a helicopter to take you to Guantanamo Bay where you’ll spend the rest of your natural life mining the salt that will subsequently be put onto the pretzels us normal folk so crave.

Will Padgett is a fifth year disappointment whose parents change the subject when people ask about him. He can be reached at wpadgett14@gmail.com or 217-581-2812.