That’s it, that’s the article. I mean it’s an obvious choice, right?

I’ve been here for a few years, I know the streets of Charleston like the back of my head (yes, I meant head), and I have managed to memorize the names of every single student currently enrolled.

That alone should put me in the office this very second, but I know that there’s a little more to it than that. The selection process for the president’s office is actually very complicated and not for the faint of heart.

Since submitting my résumé, I have been made aware of the procedure undertaken to pick the next president and now I will share it with all of you (just don’t tell anyone).

Believe it or not, the president is actually picked by way of a real-life medieval tourney. The two candidates who score the highest in the associated events are put in the running to be crowned “President”.

Here are the events: Jousting, Archery, Horse Racing, Log Toss, Log Catch, Cheese Eating, and Macaroni Art. The two highest scoring candidates are then pitted against each other in ritualistic combat until only one remains.

That remaining person is then crowned president. This all takes place in the sand pit that opens up inside Lantz Arena over the course of Summer Break.

Next time you’re around campus in the summer, just hang around until the pit opens. I promise it will, you just have to be patient.

Knowing all that, it should be easy to see why I am more than deserving of being our next president: I can do (and have done) all those things in my sleep.

It’s, like, really easy and no I won’t show you.

Anyway, I already have some ideas as to changes I’ll make around campus. First and foremost, I’ll need to establish a long-standing rivalry with one of the fraternities on campus; I’m thinking Delta Chi.

Then, I’ll need them to engage in wacky antics that place them in danger of losing their charter. I’ll then ask that a rival fraternity assist me in getting Delta Chi removed after placing them on double-secret probation.

They’ll end up foiling my plans, of course, but there’s no harm in trying. Before you ask- no, this is not the plot of Animal House. Not everything is a movie, okay?

If I’m being honest, I’m even willing to take a pay cut in order to be president. All I ask in return is that I be allowed to use the Billy costume at least once a week as well as lifetime first-dibs access to those super-delicious cookies in the food court.

That’s a fair trade, I’d say. It’s high time that the Board of Trustees stop looking for “qualified” or “mature” or “hard-working” people to be president and instead look for people who’ve never done anything with their life and lie awake at night wondering how they could have let themselves sink so low.

You know who that sounds like? Me!

I think that I’ve got this in the bag, honestly. Those of you who know me likely know that the power will go into my head the millisecond I’m told I’m the next president and I will be more akin to an agent of chaos than anything resembling a competent official.

We need more presidents who write unhinged articles in the school paper and walk around like a raving lunatic bereft of even a sliver of sanity. Doesn’t that sound like fun?

Don’t you want a Gollum-like creature representing your school? I know I do.

Will Padgett is a first year Momma’s Boy and was voted “Least Likely to Be the Next President of EIU” in high school. He can be reached at wpadgett14@gmail.com or 217-581-2812.