By now, even if you’re new to EIU, you’ve probably noticed that we have a clock tower right outside the south exit of Booth Library.

If you haven’t noticed it, then maybe you should get your nose out of your phone, you dang kids. Read a book, touch grass, or mail your parents a letter or something, I don’t know.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, the clock tower! Yeah, I’m about 87% sure it’s haunted and I have irrefutable proof: multiple times throughout the day, the clock tower will make noise…all on its own!

Isn’t that scary?! What does it mean?! Obviously, it’s got something to do with ghosts, but how did ghosts get in the tower and what do they want? Let’s find out.

After asking literally nobody about the history of the clock tower, I was able to deduce that its construction actually predates the arrival of European colonists.

Various scratch and sniff tests of the tower itself put its construction at around the end of the Mesopotamian Era, by the smell I’d say the year it was finished was approximately 436 BC.

Impossible, you say? I thought so too, but then I remembered that the oldest sundial ever found was from about 1500 BC.

Given that’s about a 1,000 year difference, it’s safe to say that they figured out how to make clocks at that point and we don’t really have to think about how they made the mechanical parts when the wheel was still in the works.

Okay, so we figured out when the tower was built, but why are there ghosts in there? That’s actually the easiest part to answer: the rent is super cheap. Plus, it covers, like, all the utilities. It’s honestly a pretty sweet deal and I’m a little jealous.

Now that we have that out of the way, we can focus on what the sounds coming out of the clock tower mean. It seems like the sounds happen at around the same times every day, typically near the beginning of an hour.

At around noon, those ghosts go absolutely bonkers and the noises go on for way longer than the other hours.

My own personal theory is that the ghosts remember that noon was around lunchtime and they start getting a little antsy because they have to get to the union before all the pita and hummus is gone (yeah, that’s right, I’m still on that you traitors) but they can’t leave the tower.

Why exactly can they not leave the clock tower? Well, if you look closely, you might notice a big white circle with a bunch of lines on it and two bigger, moving lines. My research shows that these are actually ancient Wiccan runes carved into the tower to prevent the ghosts from escaping.

Personally, I don’t see why they call it the “clock” tower anyway, there aren’t even any numbers written on it; how is someone supposed to know what time it is if there aren’t even numbers to go off of? Are three lines next to each other supposed to mean something to me?

Sorry, I don’t speak hieroglyphics, grandpa, maybe save that for your Civil War reenactments.

Anyway, I’m glad that we cleared up that mystery. My professional advice is to maintain a minimum 160,934 centimeter distance away from the clock tower at all times.

It’s totally fine for me to be around it because I’m tough and cool and mommy’s special boy but the rest of your normies should steer clear. And remember: if the clock tower makes a noise when you’re around, it’s probably because you’re not studying hard enough.

Hit those books, chump.

Will Padgett is 8ft tall Eldritch Horror and Third Year Cryptid Major. He can be reached at wpadgett14@gmail.com or 217-581-2812.