Normally, I try to make my columns more than just the ramblings of my inner monologue I’m constantly trying to make sense of and either push you in the direction toward self-reflection or leave you with my two cents that will hopefully make you feel a little richer.

This time, though, I am being straight forward: if you are doing these things, you are wrong. I can’t say I don’t make the rules because in this case, I do.

So without further ado, here are 8 things you are probably doing wrong:

1. You don’t put your Samoas in the freezer.

If you are a Girl Scout cookie connoisseur like myself, welcome to my inner circle. However, if your favorite Girl Scout cookie is thin mints, you can walk yourself out and never come back. That is not only the most mainstream Girl Scout cookie option, but it is also an insult to the best Girl Scout cookie option: Samoas. Now don’t get me wrong, if I come into contact with a sleeve of thin mints I’m not going to deny their presence, but they are never my first option. All I’m saying is, if you have a mint craving that needs to be satisfied, you could eat an entire tube of spearmint toothpaste and it would not taste any different than a thin mint.

Caramel. Coconut sprinkles. Chocolate drizzle. What more could you ask for in a cookie? The only way to give your taste buds the full blast of flavor they deserve and the Girl Scouts a proper thank you for their service is to pop these bad boys into the freezer once you get them. With each bite, you get a cool and refreshing taste better than the aforementioned toothpaste cookie.

2. You laugh at and participate in the new Spongebob meme.

You are going to most likely argue with this list because they are perfectly tailored to me, but one thing we can all agree on is this: Spongebob is one of the best cartoons of all time. And when you’re already the best, it seems impossible to get any better. However, Spongebob’s greatness knows no bounds, and he will leave a mark on this world that no cartoon after him will ever be able to match.

While our planet is blessed with Spongebob, we are also plagued by the lack of creativity that too many people seem to have. This lack of creativity has tainted not only Spongebob, but also all of meme culture. The Krusty Krab and Chum Bucket trend is an insult to Spongebob, memes everywhere and humor in general. Have we really stooped to such low standards that we are now doing lackluster Photoshop jobs over the signs for the two imaginary restaurants to compare two equally lackluster things? Maybe my sense of humor is too advanced for this phase. Or maybe I am offended that there was one comparing iPhones and Androids and I, an Android user, felt attacked seeing my fellow green alien on the Chum Bucket.

3. You put butter on your bagel.

There is no greater offense than putting butter instead of cream cheese on a bagel. I don’t have enough space on this page or words to describe how disgusting that is. If you can’t handle this beautifully crafted ring of dough, please do us all a favor and settle for toast.

4. You are still wearing clothing with chevron print.

This was one of the worst fashion trends to sweep the nation of all women of all ages. I would know because I participated in it. But it’s like they say: once you hit rock bottom, you have nowhere to go but up. I quickly snapped out of my chevron-induced haze and changed my style … and my life. If you are going through this, the first step is acceptance. And the second step is burning every clothing item you have with this God forsaken print.

5. You go to bed sock-less.

My name is Carole and I wear socks to bed. I am not afraid to admit it. I do, however, receive a lot of backlash for my decision to be open about this. But guess what: I don’t care. The only people who should care are those who are sleeping on the comfort that comes with sleeping with socks on.

6. You are a cargo short wearer, supporter or both.

Allow me to let you in on a little secret: no one needs that many pockets. And if you do, then you are probably an on-the-road hoarder and you are only holding yourself back and pulling your shorts down with the weight of your issues.

7. You diss denim on denim.

Unlike chevron print, the Canadian tuxedo is a timeless trend in the fashion world. It is always making a comeback when you least expect it. Even if it isn’t done well, it is still making headlines and being corrected by another person. I am tired of people thinking they are too good to wear a denim jacket with a pair of denim pants. I am tired of people thinking that this is a fashion faux pas instead of the revolutionary and timeless course fashion should never stop taking.

8. You order food from a place three minutes before it closes.

All of these are personal, but this one is the one I am most passionate about. I work off-campus at a fast food restaurant and I close every Sunday night. Yes, we are open until midnight so technically, you can order until midnight. But every decent human being knows that they are not supposed to order less than 20 minutes until a restaurant closes. Closing a restaurant does not happen in the snap of a finger. We have to clean every floor tile and pan, prepare everything for the next day, and if you order, we have to halt that long process and make your order. Do yourself a favor by doing us one: don’t be that guy. Make ramen instead.

You’re welcome.

Carole Hodorowicz is a junior journalism major. She can be reached at 581-2812 or at cdhodorowicz@eiu.edu.