Graduation day is approaching, and I cannot be more excited to finally finish college. It would have been nice to finish in December as planned, but I am dealing with it.

I already have the times of my finals written out in my planner; yes, I am that eager. My last day is Monday, April 30, and I made the decision to not walk in the graduation ceremony that will be my final day as an undergrad.

I am not walking in the ceremony for several reasons, and I will give you a quick summary as to why just in case I might inspire someone else to opt out of the “expected.”

The main reason I am not walking in graduation is because it will be—this is probably an exaggeration, but probably not—six days long. I am not particularly interested in sitting in a jam-packed, loud-as-hell gymnasium for that long. No thank you. I would rather be hung by my toenails.

I sweat when it is negative six degrees out, so imagine if I was sitting there draped in a garbage bag-looking cloak for hours. Not cute.

Also, I will be lessening my carbon footprint by not attending. I only live about 40 minutes away, but it will save the planet approximately three vehicles’ exhaust. Basically, I am saving the planet by not attending. You’re welcome.

Another reason is because the hats everyone wears are hideous. Have you seen those? “Mortarboards” … I’d rather not. I wore one when I graduated high school and never will again. They do not flatter anyone, sorry. The oversized graduation gown is also a disaster of an outfit.

The biggest reason I am opting out of this milestone event is because … drumroll please … the diploma is not even given to us that day; it is mailed.

Why am I going to dress like an imbecile, sweat my butthole off and pollute the earth to go up on stage to receive an empty diploma holder?

I paid thousands upon thousands for this, and it is not even going to be given to me at the ceremony that marks the end of a long and tedious road. Catch me sleeping through the ceremony. I would rather sleep in, go to work, make money and skip out on the world’s worst fashion show that day.

The only thing college kids care about when they graduate is money they receive from their family members and blacking out after the ceremony anyway. Am I right? 100 percent.

Kennedy Nolen is a senior journalism major. She can be reached at 581-2812 or kdnlen@eiu.edu.