Hello everyone. It is a new year, and with that, a whole new slew of words to learn. Memorize them quick. They will likely be obsolete in a month’s time.

Nuclear Button:This is a euphemism for male genitalia, often used by politicians when they want to brag about their size to foreign leaders but do not know any foreign words. For instance, if the president of the United States (POTUS) was to claim he had a larger Nuclear Button then say, another world leader, then the POTUS is announcing he believes his genitalia is larger. Much like claims about intelligence, this is often an exaggeration.   

Blockchained: This is a verb that describes the act of creating something for the individual that is later co-opted by corporations and stripped of all individuality and merit. For example: The #MeToo movement will be blockchained as soon as Pepsi can figure out how to tie it into a product launch.

Blueflag Town: This is any town that flies the “Blue Lives Matter” flag. An updated version of “Sundown Town,” Blueflag Town is the term minorities use to warn other minorities that they should not be in a particular town for their own safety.

Wolffing: Named after “journalist” Michael Wolff, wolffing is the ability to take a horrendous situation and turn it to your advantage. 

Ivanka: This is a Russian word for people who are particularly disconnected from reality. For instance, if a struggling college town were to revitalize itself through diversifying its student body and then businesses who depended on the college decided to fly the Blue Lives Matter flag on main street during the week the students return, visitors would shake their heads and mutter “Ivanka.”

Worst Timeline: This is a reference to the theory that there are multiple realities adjacent to our own, where things that differ from our history have happened. It is currently believed by many that we are in the “Worst Timeline,” as not only is there a baboon in the White House, but instead of having flying cars in 2020, we have a program called the Strategic Subject List. If that title struck you as dystopian, congratulations. Google which of its sister programs you are already tagged in.

Pretty Bad Timeline: Similar to the Worst Timeline, the Pretty Bad Timeline acknowledge the horrible desertion of human empathy in 2017, but also acknowledges that alleged pedophile Roy Moore did not win a senate seat.

Bad Faith Actor: This is the word for someone who is being intentionally unsympathetic to others’ plights but disguises it as simple fact. Yes, Mike on Facebook, we all know that police technically killed more white people than black people last year, but you are purposely leaving out the fact that there are more white people than any other ethnicity in this country and black people were killed in disproportionally larger numbers. 

Pai’d: Named after Cobra henchman Ajit Pai, being Pai’d is when a majority is screwed over despite their overwhelming wish not to be. For instance, Britain Pai’d the colonies when it heavily taxed them without giving them representation. More recently, we were all Pai’d by the repeal of net neutrality and the passage of the Republican tax bill. Unless you are Verizon or a billionaire, in which case you are totally wolffing.

Final-Form Capitalism: This is the word used to describe the latter stages of the great American experiment. Final-Form Capitalism is often used when trying to explain our healthcare system to foreigners, as well as why we are not allowed to fix our own iPhones. Final-Form Capitalism is also a cheer bystanders yell whenever another prison is privatized.  

Hope: This is the word you have to use after writing a total downer of an article at the beginning of a new year. It is not all doom and gloom, and despite the rise of ridiculously blatant hostility, there are many good faith actors as well.

I understand if some readers take offense to any of 2018’s new words. I encourage those readers to critically think about what is actually being said and why. For everyone else, let us work hard to make sure we have some new, positive words as the year unfolds.

Colin Roberts is senior English major. He can be reached at 581-2812 or clroberts@eiu.edu.