There are two words professors say or print in their syllabus that make me cringe more than anything else: group project.

Many professors I’ve had get so excited about working in groups and I don’t understand it. There might be a project I’m really excited about in the class that will be ruined by those two terrible words.

I especially don’t understand group papers. I can’t tell you how many group papers I’ve had to write. Writing one paper in a group doesn’t make any sense. There’s really only one person who writes it and the other three (or how many people are in the group) just agree with everything the writer says.

The problem with group projects are the people in the group. All groups are the same.

One person (let’s call him Alex) does all the work, researches a topic, writes the paper or puts together the poster. Ultimately, if the group project is a stand-up-in-front-of-the-class-and-talk-with-a-poster project, Alex ends up being the only one talking (and, worse, has to hold the poster).

One person (let’s call him Terry) looks like he’s doing a lot of work when the group meets in the library, but if you were on his side of the laptop you’d see he is just on Facebook. Terry, though, is quick to volunteer to go retrieve a book from a shelf or get something out of the printer – anything to avoid the tension in the room.

Another person (let’s call her Julie) talks a lot, but nothing of what she says is about the project. She doesn’t take a breath and her chatter is distracting. Specifically, she talks about how much she dislikes the professor whose class the group project was assigned.

The last person (let’s call him Brian) does nothing. Brian is too busy doing other homework to come to the library to do homework. On the slight chance he comes to the library, he only hovers around the group table, looking at books on shelves or CDs in stacks. Brian goes to the bathroom a lot.

If you’re the person who does all the work, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You always end up with Terry, Julie and Brian in your group, and you hate it.

If you’re reading this and have no idea what I’m jabbering on about, you’re probably Brian.

I understand the professors who say, “You’re going to have to work in groups in the real world.” I respect that, but if you can’t first learn to work by yourself then you’re never going to be a contributing member of a group – in college or the real world.

Personally, it’s not natural for me to work in groups. I work best when I’m alone. I wrote this column alone, I write my sports stories alone and I study for tests alone. I prefer projects that I can totally control without having to worry about Terry, Julie or Brian.

Last year, I had a group project that lasted the whole semester. It was torture. I was attached to three other people for about five months and two never came to class.

This year, I haven’t had any group projects and I’m flush with excitement.

Knock on wood.

Alex McNamee is a senior journalism major. He can be reached at 581-2812 or denopinions@gmail.com.