That’s it, folks, we’re doomed.

In the worst display of flawed U.S. presidential logic since Bill Clinton tried to argue the definition of the word “is,” President Obama has announced his plan to do away with the NASA Constellation Program.

The cancellation of the program will effectively end U.S. manned missions to space.

And just like that, we are all doomed, my friends.

Oh, sure, the only thing the space program has really brought us is a handful of missions to the moon, a half-built space station and the miracle of satellite television, but it takes practice, people. If we abandon all manned space efforts, how are we possibly going to master space flight? And how are we going to create super-sweet X-Wing-style space fighters with awesome lasers?

And just like that, there goes our only shot at a plausible defense against the inevitable alien invasion that waits just over the horizon.

For years, extraterrestrials have been lying low, only making themselves apparent while anally probing rednecks and Southerners. They have been waiting, making every effort to discredit their own existence in an effort to lower the collective guard of Americans everywhere.

Let’s face it, if the only people claiming to know of your existence are people with a fifth-grade education attesting they got to third base with an alien without even the courtesy of dinner and a movie, who is going to believe them? No one, that’s who.

So, now aliens have the element of surprise and our already non-existent defenses are gone.

Not to mention, my personal dreams of space-based heroism are dashed.

As a child, my No. 1 dream was to become an astronaut.

After reading the “Star Wars: X-Wing” book series in the sixth grade, I was determined to join the U.S. Air Force. You see, I was convinced that, by the time I completed fighter pilot training, we would certainly have already mastered the science behind space fighters.

Thus, I would become America’s first space fighter pilot and single-handedly quell an alien invasion attempt. Boom. Just like that, David Thill – national treasure.

Even after I graduated high school and realized I had the math comprehension of a toddler and clearly would not be making my living in a cockpit, I still had those crazy alien-exploding pipe dreams.

But Obama was just determined to destroy my dream and the Earth along with it.

Oh, sure, NASA has said that after the cancellation of the Constellation Program it will turn their focus toward un-manned missions, as though that should comfort us!

They are going to place our space program and the eventual safety of Earth in the hands of space-faring robots? I can just see the alien invasion, space-robot uprising joining forces.

So, fellow doomed Americans, I suggest the only two reasonable ideas left.

Either start building your own space ships in the garage – don’t worry, I’m sure rocket fuel is cheap – or hunker down in your basement with a baseball bat with a nail through it and await the invasion.

Thanks a lot, Obama!

David Thill is a senior journalism major and can be reached at 581-7942 or

DENopinions@gmail.com.

There are a lot of urban myths floating around out there. Like the one that says a tooth left in a glass of pop overnight will dissolve. (It won’t.) Or the one your older brother used to tell you about how your face would stay like that if he hit you in the back.

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