I am a gigantic fan of television. I believe books are irrelevant because everything one needs to learn can be from his couch projected at him in high definition.

Need to know about history? Well, you have the History Channel. Need to know about science? Discovery Channel. Need to watch people without morals or shame so you can feel better about your life? Turn the channel to VH1.

After careful deliberation I have come to a conclusion – the Food Network is the best channel of all time. Let’s break it down.

100 percent of the shows are awesome

Look down the lineup, every show is entertaining. You are never disappointed.

While the primetime line-up has three of the best five shows on television – “Triple D,” “Dinner Impossible” and “Iron Chef”‘- even the mid-day cooking shows are worth watching.

I cannot cook worth a damn (my specialty is Ramen Noodles with tuna), but I still watch every cooking show thinking I can actually make it. They simplify it for the viewer, so no one is excluded. That is all anyone could ever ask for.

The best villain on television

Bobby Flay is the biggest jerk on the planet (Ty Pennington, the host of the “Extreme Home Makeover,” is a close second. I know people are going to say he is nice because he gives needy people houses, but he is a camera-hogging ass). Flay is smug, thinks he is the coolest person on the planet and constantly talks about it.

Food Network was brilliant with the way it marketed this guy. It created “Throwdown with Bobby Flay,” where he battles regular people who aren’t huge tools to see who can create a certain type of food better. Flay draws up a game plan, surprises the person at some sort of planned event and then usually loses because he thinks he’s a better cook than he actually is.

I cannot stand Flay, but will I stick around for a half hour to watch him get curb-stomped in a Matzo Ball challenge? You bet I will.

Guy Fieri is the coolest guy on the planet

For those of you who don’t know who Guy is, please take a moment to re-evaluate your life. Fieri is the host of “Guys Big Bite” and “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives” (a.k.a. – Triple D). He is basically Flay, except the exact opposite.

On Triple D, Guy travels the country, goes to small, family-owned restaurants and eats awesome greasy food.

Don’t let the blond hair, earrings or bowling shirt fool you – Guy is the smoothest, coolest and most money person in the world.

He is basically John Shaft, if Shaft were a white surfer from California. He is the only person who can pull off an armband in casual wear (he wears it for his sons Hunter and Rider because he is a great father as well).

Because of Guy, the correct phrase to describe a nice steak is “capital ‘T’ tender,” a fantastic hamburger is “money” and an appetizing roast beef sandwich is “out of bounds.”

So, I don’t know what you’re doing reading this – leave class, work or wherever you are and turn on the Food Network.

Dan Cusack is a junior journalism major and can be reached at 581-7944 or DENopinions@gmail.com.