During my tenure at this fine institution of learning and having spent my entire life in Charleston, I have been witness to and a participant in a fair number of parties.

I’ve seen it all, my friends: the classy wine and cheese soirees, the loud raucous keggers, odd theme parties, small gatherings and large ones.

Luckily, though, I have never personally gotten in any trouble at any of them. This is because of my insane fear of the Illinois legal system. Feel those oh-so-uncomfortable metal bracelets clank around your wrists a little too tightly even once and I assure you, you will not want to feel them again.

In the wake of a party this past weekend that resulted in around 33 arrests, I have some tips that could help the young, ever-rambunctious partier.

Keep it legal

Everybody wants to share in the festivities. But it’s awfully hard to keep track of everyone at a party, especially when people notice the loud tunes and good times to be had and begin flocking to the entrance like rats to the Pied Piper.

But, you really don’t want that trouble. If you have a keg, have the permit handy to show it’s all legal. And, for the love of Anheuser-Busch, please don’t sell to minors. Have the gentlemen holding the cups ask for an ID before selling.

You don’t want to be the house known for “being uncool” toward minors, but it is far better than being the house known for getting busted.

Party on the ground level

House parties are rarely held in a tiny, single-floor home, often they are held at two- and three-story houses.

Nobody wants to feel cramped and relegated to standing with arms at their sides. However, venturing upstairs is just asking for trouble.

Ever see those horror movies where the girl runs upstairs to evade the killer? That’s the equivalent to when the authorities show up. Trust me, heroic leaps from a balcony rarely end well and hiding in a closet just makes you look foolish once the cops start taking a look around and realize you aren’t a pair of shoes curled up in the back of the closet.

Cooperate

If the police do show up, work with them.

They don’t want to ruin your night, and they don’t want to waste the time writing 100 tickets. Don’t give them a hard time. I can tell you from personal experience, if you are about to get in trouble, lying, talking back and other nonsense is only going to make things worse.

Be safe

Watch your drink and don’t set it down. Ever. Take care of your friends and make sure you have a friend to look out for you. Know when enough is enough and when it’s time to call it a night.

You have about four years here and plenty of time to party with your friends. Pace thyself, young student and never, ever, ever drink and drive. It’s a small town. You can walk.

So go onward, ever the wiser and have fun. But take care. Less money spent on tickets and fines, more money for parties and greasy late-night food later.

David Thill is a senior journalism major and can be reached at 581-7942 or

DENopinions@gmail.com.