Leave it to a self-proclaimed “sexpert” and a condom producer to add a little necessary paperwork to the already vexing prospect of safe, consensual coitus.

The dubious pair, sex therapist and Ava Cadell, Ph.D., and Colorado condom entrepreneur Nelson Banes, began receiving an avalanche of press after the introduction of “Protect Condoms,” a combo pack of two prophylactics and a legally recognized contract stating exactly what acts may occur between a pair of consenting adults.

According to an interview of Banes in the Oct. 9 edition of Colorado’s Rocky Mountain News, the “businessman” hatched his coitus contract after hearing basketball star Kobe Bryant had been charged with rape by a 19-year-old hotel worker in Banes’ native Colorado.

Banes then teamed with Cadell, who is widely known for her blithe comments on human sexuality for television networks like E!: Entertainment television, CNN, ABC and MTV among others. The duo are now marketing the condom/contract package as an absurdly hilarious insurance measure for men and women seeking to avoid the nasty legal red tape becoming more and more popular with sex these days.

The contracts are (supposedly) legally binding agreements ensuring each participant has consented to specific acts while refraining from the influence of any controlled substance.

I suppose it was only a matter of time before someone upped the proverbial litigious ante on lascivious behavior, but this is ridiculous. It’s not that this is the worst idea someone with far too much free time and a little too much knowledge has ever concocted, but it certainly causes far more problems than it could ever hope to solve.

Just assume for a moment that the mere idea of a sexual contract eliminating the possibility of future legal action levied against a partner wasn’t the most unromantic thing in the world, and then consider the Pandora’s box opened by Cadell and Banes. If these contracts are in fact legally binding, which remains to be seen, where does it all end?

If you can legally guarantee sexual consent, which is a sketchy concept if I ever heard one, there’s bound to be someone out to exploit this system. I’m sure it won’t be long before someone begins modifying said contracts with dreaded small print guaranteeing any number of points. As if the contract itself wasn’t bad enough, how would anyone feel not meeting some inane and minute type such as “the party of the first part failed to meet the expectations of the party of the second part.”

This isn’t to mention the more nefarious element of something like this. If the contracts exist simply to ensure the sober consent of participants, some scumbag is sure to begin foregoing the idea of getting some woman inebriated for sex and simply get her tipsy enough to sign the contract. Sick and sad, yes, but I’m sure someone will try it if this whole contract debacle gains momentum.

The real question is whether this is what sex in America has actually come to.

As if the average man doesn’t face enough indignities in his love life, it may now be necessary to present someone with some light clerical work in a dimly lit, smoky bar. While “Miss Right” used to be the woman who would put up with some schlub’s horribly cheesy lines or simply refrain from pulling out the pepper spray, she is now the woman willing to fill out the proper forms in triplicate.

I may not be much of a romantic, in fact I’m more of the hopelessly cynical variety, but this concept is a little too jaded even for me.

Somewhere along the way the whole idea of sex stopped being about something like love or romance and was simply passed over for legal paranoia and the need to (somewhat literally) cover one’s own ass. It may sound sad, or even simply hilarious, but it could just be the next wave of the future.