As I get closer to graduation, and the bleak and horrifying prospect of the “real world,” employment has become a primary concern. As much as I would like to stay gainfully unemployed and simply sponge off society, my mother is dreading the idea of introducing me to people as “my son, the jobless schmuck.”

While maintaining my beloved status as a bum is rather tempting, the prospect of cardboard box luxury is far more frightening than the tepid conferences and insipid job fairs packed with the ass-kissing masses where I have consistently tried to whore my proverbial wares. In fact, it’s these brown-nosers that ostensibly ruin these job fairs for me.

I need a job after graduation more than anyone (and if you’re in the position to hire me to do just about anything, I work on the cheap), but I don’t see the point of ass-kissing my way to the top. It’s as if some of the people I’ve seen and met have turned the idea of a job interview into a monolithic competition of who can kiss the most derriere the fastest and the hardest.

Reeking of desperation, these job applicants will descend on any professional in the room like a pack of rabid dogs on a fresh piece of carrion. Aside from the driving urge to ruthlessly corner any prospective employers, these brown-eye puckering people can often be identified by their glazed eyes, an incessantly nodding head and a desperate need to introduce themselves to anything in a suit.

These are the same people who will cry about not getting their preferred interviews, will whine about their resumes and dote on the impressions they made and connections they’ve forged. Over the weekend, I saw a grown man weeping about the interview he didn’t get. Call me crazy, but I just can’t respect that kind of weepy eyed weakness. As someone far wiser than I once said, “The sun will come out tomorrow.” Suck it up.

And it’s not as if I myself haven’t puckered up to my fair share of cabooses; I have, and it sickens me. It always leaves me feeling so incredibly dirty knowing honesty surely won’t get me where I want to go. Simply being honest and saying “I’ll pretty much work anywhere for any amount of money you’re willing to fork over” simply isn’t good enough anymore. This country was founded on cheap labor and, darn it, I want in.

I can appreciate the initiative of these people, but bottom-feeding ass-kissers need to be euthanized. Exactly how insecure must one be to play to the lowest common denominator in order to convince people of their worth? Kissing up is an inherent flaw in the system. Either that or I’m just jealous I have yet to master the fine art of the ass kiss and reacharound.

I would like to think people are able to see past such pathetic pandering for what it really is, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my Holy Grail search for post-Eastern employment it’s that a few strokes of the ego go just as far as actual talent. It may be sad but it’s often true. Talent may allow an employee to keep his or her job, but a little brown-nosing simply seems to get a foot in the door.

If you’re willing to sell your dignity off so cheaply, go right ahead. I may not have a job but at least I can sleep at night.

It’s just the pandering of it all that gets me. If insincerity, fake compliments and forced smiles are what it takes to get a job, please count me out right now.

None of this is to say that a well-placed compliment or feigned interest doesn’t have its advantages. If it didn’t somehow help, people probably wouldn’t do it. Just remember, an ability to kiss enough rear end may get someone to hire you, but they’ll never truly respect you.